Child Healing

Playful Collaboration
The following slides are a 'Playful Collaboration' course to support children and parents inspired by Aletha Solter's Aware Parenting and Daniel P Brown's Integrative Attachment Therapy, Bruce Perry's neuro-sequential model, Peter Levine's Somatic experiencing and Harvard's center on the developing child, along with a few other peoples work.
For the work I reference and images, all copyright belongs to the original holders, please buy their books if any of this resonates. Content is used under 'Fair Dealing'.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
What is Attachment Play?
Created by Aletha Solter in 1990, Aware Parenting is a trauma-informed approach that emphasizes building emotional connection and trust over punishment and reward.
It helps raise cooperative, compassionate, competent, nonviolent and drug-free children through emotional awareness.
Attachment play is a concept within Aware Parenting that focuses on strengthening the emotional bond between parents and children through playful interactions.
It emphasizes the importance of crying & play as a means to enhance connection and help children process their emotions.
This is not Aware Parenting but utilizes concepts from Aware Parenting, updating the concepts to repair at a sensory level vs emotional and includes concepts like repairing play types.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Highly Sensitive
Identified by Elaine Aron, 15-20% of the population are thought to fit this profile. Similar to the Dandelion and Orchid by W. Thomas Boyce; Some children need supportive, nurturing environment to thrive.
Key traits include:
Deep Processing: They think deeply about experiences and feelings.
Emotional Intensity: They often feel emotions more intensely, both their own and others'.
Sensitivity to Stimulation: They can become overstimulated in busy or chaotic environments.
Empathy: They may have a strong sense of empathy and intuition about others' feelings.
While being highly sensitive can present challenges, it also comes with strengths, such as creativity, compassion, and a rich inner life.
Having higher emotional needs means there are higher parenting needs due to stronger emotions that need to be supported. The health of the stress release function is very important during the early formative years as they are more at risk of invisible stress.
Studies have shown that generational trauma and prenatal stress from either parent all increase sensitivity in newborns. What is stress become more subtle when children are wired more sensitively.
Sensitivity isn't the same for everyone, some people can be extremely 'hyper' sensitive. For some people this can impact certain medications and drug strengths. Nervous system inflammation can impact sensitivity too as deep muscles will tense over the nerves making them more inflamed.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Key Concepts
Power & Control
Attachment Play helps shift the focus from control to connection, promoting cooperation and understanding. It also encourages to create moments where the child feels powerful.
Crying & Raging
Recognize crying as a natural and necessary part of emotional processing and encourage parents to support their child's emotions, so not to suppress them.
The Broken Cookie
This is an important emotional release that is often misunderstood. Bottled up big feelings being released over something appearing minor.
Loving Limits
The use of setting boundaries and lovingly listen to any emotion the limit brings. This helps children understand expectations and feel secure to experience emotions that may come.
9 Types of Attachment Play
These diverse play activities foster emotional connection, trust, and security between parent and child. They also help resolve trauma in children.
Trauma and Stress
The importance of play and crying in the natural release of stress and trauma.
Our Own Healing
This journey of growth and understanding is not just for children, but also for the adults. We encourage parents and educators to reflect on their own past experiences and how they impact their interactions with children.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Crying & Raging
1
The purpose of crying & raging?
Demonstrating a need
Pain & Discomfort
Anger & Frustration
Release of Stress and Trauma - The release of stress often happens at the end of a day before bed.
2
How to Respond?
When children cry its best it make sure they are safe, all needs are meet and there is no underlying medical condition. If everything has been met, sometimes they just need to cry and let emotion out. When this happens a child needs be feel, safe, seen and heard. Held in unconditional love and delight.
Useful responses are “I’m listening,” “It’s okay to cry,” “You’re safe,” “I hear that <repeat their problem>” "I'm here to hear all you have to say about that" or “I will stay with you until you feel better.”
The gas mask myth: If your child's emotions bring up big feelings in yourself, gently cry with your child. Model releasing together whilst your partner supports you vs modeling rejecting/suppressing emotions as you walk away to manage your own emotions.
3
How does crying make you feel?
Crying often brings up our own feelings of childhood and how our cry's were responded to.
Offer self compassion and understanding when limits are challenging.
Sometimes a parent needs a heal their cry. Do not be afraid to cry with your child with a partner supporting.
4
Adjustment Period
When starting to receive a child's cry this way, there can appear to be more crying as all the built up emotion gets released. This can vary on the sensitivity of a child's nervous system. Over time the crying reduces as it gets built into the family rhythm and routine.
5
Control Patterns
are actions that people use to suppress or distract themselves from emotional pain, rather than addressing the underlying feelings. It is encouraged to recognizing these patterns and providing 'loving limits' to help children (and adults) release emotions in healthy ways.
Take a moment to reflect what items are control patterns within your life?
Wine, chocolate & smoking type vices, too much of a positive item can also become a control pattern. Exercise and working out can be common ones that can be over done.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
The Broken Cookie
When a child's emotions reach a boiling point, the smallest trigger can unleash a torrent of tears. A broken cookie, a lost toy - these seemingly trivial incidents become the pretext for a full-blown crying fit. 
These outbursts are often the child's way of releasing pent-up feelings of grief, anger, and anxiety. The need to cry has been gradually building up, and now it must be expressed. After the tears flow, the child usually feels a sense of relief and calm. The incident that sparked the crying is no longer an issue, and the child often becomes happy and cooperative again.
Children do need to learn that loud crying is unacceptable in certain situations, just as they must learn to use the toilet. But they also need a safe space - often at home - where they can freely express their emotions without judgment. When children have this kind of accepting environment, they're better able to hold back the tears in public and save them for their trusted "home base". This lays the foundation for healthier emotional regulation down the line.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Difficult Behaviors
When a child is behaving in a way that is difficult for parents or teachers. An understanding of stress, trauma and the child’s ability to release and heal from it through play is essential. Recognizing that crying can be a release for children who all experience powerless, separation and other forms of stress is also important. Children experiencing trauma need time to process and release their emotions in the space of a secure relationship of the people around them.
There is always a 'why' behind the behavior. Always try to look for the reasons then support children to release the emotions.
Below is a map created by Marion Rose PHD a Level 2 instructor for Australia.
Marion Rose PHD 2024
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Loving Limits
Loving limits should be used when children behavior is demonstrating there is a deep need to release built up emotions. Set the limit and hold their response in your love and acceptance and let any big feelings come out, knowing there is a deeper meaning to this release of emotion.
Explore with what words might work for your family. A popular one is "I am not willing for …".
Give explanations and reasons
When setting limits, explain your reasons in a way that your child can understand. This helps them feel respected and fosters a sense of connection.
Look for the underlying need
Behind a child's actions is often an unmet need. Try to understand what your child is trying to communicate and offer support or solutions.
Use a playful approach
Play is a powerful tool for setting limits. It can make limits fun, engaging, and help a child learn in a more enjoyable way.
What if a child hits or kicks?
If a child is hitting, state that you are not willing to be hurt. Gently hold the child so they do not hurt you or themselves. Explain lovingly that you are here to keep them safe.
Playful alternatives
Nonsense play - pretend to look for an off button
When you do not need to set a limit you can use the time to let the child let out frustration. Use power reversal games where a child breaks rules and the parent pretends to be angry.
Expect a cry to come
After playing and feeling connected, when you stop playing and set a limit children will often cry. Plan this in the time you allocate to play to allow the child enough time to naturally reach the end of their tears without either party feeling rushed.
A loving limit is not a boundary or a traditional limit. It is encouraging a balance of emotion by allowing a space for a child to laugh and release via play, or a gentle loving limit to evoke the release of a cry when the child is demonstrating signs of accumulated emotions or avoiding emotions with control patterns.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Power & Control
Most discipline problems occur when children feel disconnected, powerless, insecure or frightened” - Attachment Play p10
Traditional Power & Control
Parenting has traditionally been about parents (those with more power) making children (those with less) submit to their will. Fathers often holding power over mothers and children, and mothers holding power over children. This start to shift to a more permissive parenting styles in the 1960's
Permissive/Authoritarian
One might drift towards power-over or power under.
Often stem from how our own parents responded.
Are there too many limits due to your own needs or are there too few loving limits for the child's needs?
Your Own Power & Control
What times do you feel a loss of power and control?
In a day how many rules are there for a child? how much power do they have?
At school, when does a child have power? (not power-over, nor rewards or competition)
Power-With
"power-with," emphasizes connection and collaboration, where both adult and child can make choices and influence outcomes together.
Adults have power through knowledge, experience, size, and strength, and loving limits.
Children hold power through persistence, connection to their authentic selves and healing needs.
Traumatic experiences can leave children feeling powerless and can cause children to resist anything that takes away their feeling of control. Even non-traumatized children often feel powerless due to their immaturity and dependence on others. This sense of powerlessness can cause children to give up on trying to exert control, leaving them unable to make decisions.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
More on Attachment Play
Play is the primary mode of learning during the first eight to ten years. It has three major functions;
Play helps children acquire physical, social, and intellectual skills.
Play helps children understand and assimilate information.
Play helps children work through traumatic experiences.
Attachment Play Is
Interactive play that strengthens bonds
often involves laughter
be either child or adult initiated
does not require special equipment
activities may include family activities
Attachment Play Isn't
Permissive Discipline
Teach children to be aggressive
Tickling or Teasing
Over stimulating - Too much laughter can make a child disregulated.
No competition and no set rules
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
9 Types of Attachment Play
Power Reversal Games
are when the adult pretends to be more weaker, clumsier and foolish than the child.
This type of play can help the child resolve powerless from routines and school along with processing adult inflicted trauma like anger or authoritarian discipline.
Cooperative games and activities
Co-operative games strengthen your connection with your child without the threat of losing a game.
When you cooperate toward a common goal with your child, whether it’s a game or a real-life activity, you create a meaningful connection based on your child’s desire to contribute, and you learn to recognize each other’s strengths while bringing out the best in each other. These activities can help your child feel connected and valued.
Separation Games
are where you create a short visual or spacial separation between you and your child.
They help children deal with daily physical or emotional separations along with traumatic separations and loss.
Non Directive Child Centered Play
A set time where the child decides exactly what to play. It helps children feel acknowledged, safe, and loved. It is especially useful for reconnecting after stress or separations, helping children heal from trauma, or simply strengthening your connection.
Contingency Play
Contingency play is any activity in which the adult’s behavior is predictably repeated and contingent on the child’s behavior.
These games can promote connection, enhance trust, convey acceptance, create a sense of empowerment, and establish a reassuring feeling of predictability. The laughter that occurs during these games helps children release tensions resulting from anxiety, powerlessness, and loss of control during previous traumatic experiences.
Activities Body Contact
help children to connect with people, as long as it is done whilst respecting a child's boundaries. (no tickling!)
Develops a sense of belonging an self worth.
Symbolic Play with specific props or themes
is especially effective for helping children heal from trauma. During this kind of play, you take a more directive role by offering specific toys or suggesting a play theme relating to the child’s traumatic experience.
Regression Play
is when children play games and take on a role younger than they are.
This type of play helps children gain independence by allowing a safe space to regress back to as they gain confidence and independence.
Nonsense Play
Nonsense play is any play in which you or your child acts silly by making obvious mistakes or by playfully exaggerating emotions or conflicts. This kind of play qualifies as attachment play when it involves parent-child interaction.
Through Nonsense play you can resolve discipline issues by playfully acting them out to the point of ridiculousness, children can release pent up anger through laughter
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Sample Attachment Play Games
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Sleep, Play & Crying Cycle
When children are tried at the end of the day they will often become 'fussy' or a hyper playful. This is the need to release the accumulated stress of the day.
Children that release stress by crying or laughing before bed remain more rested through the night. Developing this nightly pattern with your child creates healthy release and balancing of brain chemicals, this preventing nightmares and insomnia.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Sample end of day routine
This could be used as a nightly routine or a single game could be used to address one problematic area like brushing teeth.
1
Bath time
Place a towel on the floor and use it as a train, pull the child between 'stations' (nightly chores) letting the child decide the sequence
2
Drying & Clothes Station
Let the child get dry and select their clothes from a choice of a couple. You can joke around with nonsense play and put clothes on the wrong parts.
3
Dry hair
Dry their hair on the bed and have a pillow fight that they win.
4
Brushing Teeth
Play a Role Reversal/Regression game whilst brushing teeth. Pretend to be a baby and let the child brush yours whilst you then brush theirs. Or use Nonsense play and be a robot arm going crazy as you brush their face.
5
Body contact play
Have some body contact play and use your body/lap to be a race care chair that they drive. Once finished playing, whilst they are still sitting on your lap read a bed time story. Or have 10mins Child Directive play
6
A Loving Limit that it is bed time
Set the limit with time spare so there is no rush for the emotion to come out and have a release of tears, then a restful nights sleep.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Attachment Play in Tweens & Teens
Less prescriptive
Attachment Play is more responsive to the child's current moment.
More transient
A game that's exciting to a young child might only be fun for a short while for a teen. Teens will get agitated if joke is repeated
Night-time releases are still important
Teens may become more talkative before bed or invite some rough and tumble play. This can be harder as children become stronger. Find other ways for power reversal like letting them give you a piggy back but not letting you decide where they go, for girls, let them put make up on you.
Regression Play is still important
Regression play is good for when a child has been exploring independence and reminds them there is a base of unconditional love for their child self.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Trauma and Stress
Play
When children (and adults) feel safe and connected they will use play to release their stress and trauma. Via play they will transform the ending into the resolve they need.
Crying, Raging & Body Movements
Along with play, people need to release the emotion through crying, raging, or body movements. Crying often can be via 'Broken Cookies' or similar themed triggers to past traumas.
The same function of play, laughter and crying is also how the body releases minor stressors and major traumas.
Stress and trauma can interfere with the learning process by causing confusion, anxiety, grief, anger, and difficulty concentrating. The learning process is enhanced when children are allowed to release painful emotions through the natural healing mechanisms of play, laughter, and crying.
Children will heal from trauma naturally if they;
Feel emotionally safe and connected
Revisit the trauma in some way
Allowed to react with natural biological healing mechanisms
Healing your traumatized child - Aletha Solter
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
What is trauma
Trauma is anything that causes physical or emotional pain or that threatens a child’s well being. Traumas can be minor events, such as the loss of a toy or a bee sting, or major life-changing events such as the death of a parent or a terrorist attack. Anything that the a child interprets as threatening can be traumatic, even when it does not pose a real danger. Trauma impacts children differently to adults.
Children have immature brains. If a child grows in an environment full of unpredictable threats or repeated painful, frightening experiences, that child’s neurological development will be different than that of a child whose early environment is less stressful.
Children are more vulnerable than adults because of their total dependency on others to provide food, shelter, clothing, protection, information, connection, and love. Children don’t have much power or freedom to make major decisions about their lives.
Healing your traumatized child - Aletha Solter
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Examples of stress & trauma
Early Separation, Divorce, New Sibling, Death
Pre-Birth Stress and Trauma
Birthing Trauma
Parental, School & Environmental Stress
Core Needs Not Being Met
Prolonged illness within the family or Medical procedures
Pain, Accidents & Injuries
Other peoples strong fearful responses or witnessing scary events
Over Stimulation
Developmental Frustration
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
The Natural Recovery Process
From birth, children know how to release stress, heal from trauma, and regain homeostasis. However, they must become active and emotionally aroused before reaching a calm state.
The first step is to revisit the trauma in some way in order to retrieve the memories.
While revisiting trauma, children need to experience a level of arousal similar to what they felt during the original trauma, release the emotions, and complete the urge to perform movements of defense or escape.
There needs to be a balance of attention, between feelings of distress and safety in order for children to benefit from revisiting trauma.
A Parents role is to help your child feel safe, recognize their attempts to heal, and trust their natural healing process. Soothing methods can stop the crying and can put babies into mild dissociation, which is usually only temporary.
Revisiting Trauma With and Without Emotional Safety and Connection
Without emotional safety and connection
Activation & Hyper-arousal
Dissociation
With emotional safety, healing mechanisms activated
Crying, tantrums
Trembling & twitching.
Play, Laughter
Healing Your Traumatized Child Chapter 3 - Aletha Solter
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Emotional Safety and Connection
Children need both safety and connection to process and heal from trauma effectively.
Feeling safe and connected during a frightening event can prevent both hyperarousal and dissociation as well as the development of post-traumatic symptoms.
Safety
Children need to know that there is no longer any threat.
Be present if you know your child will face a painful or frightening experaince. Stay in close proximity.
If you use a punitive approach to discipline, change to a non-punitive approach.
Your own emotional and physical state can affect your children’s sense of safety.
Children need to trust that you can tolerate all of their emotions and that nothing they say or do will cause you to reject them. If you tell your child to stop crying, try to distract him from crying, they will feel that you are not willing to listen.
Connection
Both hyperarousal and dissociation cause children to disconnect not only from their emotions but also from other people, the environment, and their bodies.
Being touched during stressful events help lower physiological and behavioral signs of stress than those who have physical contact.
Eye contact, touch, hand-holding, hugs, massages, or co-sleeping are benefical.
Children who are chronically hyperaroused or dissociative may need additional help to connect to the environment, bodies and caregivers.
Sensory stimulation activities can counteract both of these chronic physiological states.
Playing with sand, water, clay, or finger paints can help hyperaroused children slow down and take the time to notice their environment, beginning with these different textures.
Outdoor cooperative games that include movements such as jumping, running (but not races), climbing, rolling, throwing, or swinging. In addition to helping your children feel connected to you, these physical activities provide an antidote to the numbness and immobility which often follow traumatic experiences. They stimulate the vestibular and proprioceptive senses (detection of body movement and position), so they represent a form of sensory stimulation.
P63-69 Healing your traumatised child
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Restoring Parental Connection & Trust via play
Build Trust with Non-Sense, Power-Reversal & Body Contact Games
Use Non-Sense & Power-Reversal play to build trust and lower any fear in the parent child relationship. Create games that model ruptures that have with silly playfulness.
1
Non-Sense Play for Ruptures
Act out a rupture with non-sense play but model the old behaviour, then model the new ending with stupidity, this acts as practice for the next rupture. e.g. Pretend to be angry making silly angry noises. Run to each other pretend to shout at each other. Then hug each other then cry. Then pretend to grab an imaginary pillow and have a fake pillow fight, fall over making it a power-reversal giving the child victory over you as they stand on you, or fall over together ending in body contact.
2
Strict Dad/Mum
Run up to the child and pretend that 'mean Dad' is coming and you need to hid. Hid together and tell the child what the 'mean dad' is upset about or what task needs to be done and agree to quickly do it together. e.g brushing teeth. Put toys away. Use play around any conflict areas or rule enforcement.
3
Angry Dog or Dinosaur (Parental Anger)
Angry Dog, pretend to be an angry dog, chasing the child, the child has an object that hypnotize the dog, making the dog calm. The child can then jump on the dogs back and ride it controlling where to go with the object.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Using play to resolve trauma
There is no such things as too much power-reversal play!
4 types of play establish connection.
Activities with body contact
Cooperative games and activities
Nonsense play
Contingency play
5 types of play transform experiences & memories.
Non-directive child-centered play
Symbolic play with specific props or themes
Separation games
Regression play
Power-reversal games
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Tips for helping children regain confidence and joy
Give accurate age appropriate information.
Limit overstimulation and unpredictability.
Allow opportunities of empowerment like the ability to make choices and decisions.
Be flexible about household rules, but don’t hesitate to set loving limits.
Create opportunities for success, mastery and collaboration.
Provide experiences of beauty and joy that are enjoyed together.
Encourage self-expression and creativity through art, music, writing & storytelling or dance.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Our Own Healing
We should strive to be aware of the ways in which own childhood interferes with our ability to be effective parents and make conscious efforts to avoid passing on our own hurts to children.
1
Empathy/Listening Partners
Finding a person to be a listening partner. Have 30minutes taking turns hearing each others struggles and successes can be incredible healing. It's also good practice for empathic listening with our children.
Alternatively therapists can help process more deeper inner work.
2
Play
Make sure you lots of adult attachment play in your life!
Non-Directive Play
Take time to engage in hobbies and creative interests that bring you joy and wonder.
Go for walks, journal, read, use meetup.com to find new interest and groups.
Body Contact Play
Intimacy and sports.
Symbolic & Non Sense Play
Having a joke around with loved ones & mates.
Regression Play
Time back with parents eating their home cooked food, regressing to old hobbies like video games.
3
Understand Your Own Control Patterns
Take time to reflect on your own behavior. Are there things you do to avoid feelings? Take moments in the day to check in on your own state and needs. Are there any underlying emotion that is building up and needs to be released?
Are there interests and hobbies you are using to avoid feelings, is there a balance?
4
Family Dynamics
When family relationships are strained, it's important to identify any of our own underlying vulnerabilities or triggers that contributed to ruptures, it is important to always own the repair with a child.
Do you have enough spare internal resources to take on that of people around you when they need support?
The use of family meetings to have a space everyone can feel heard and check in how every one is.
5
Inner Knowledge
How connected are you to your heart and body?
Do you listen to your willingness, power and knowledge?
Take time to stop and listen for your own unmet limits and powerlessness presenting.
6
Core Beliefs
Core beliefs that shape our perspectives and behaviors come from our childhood lessons.
The messages we receive, both implicit and explicit, can have an impact on how we view ourselves and interact with others as adults.
By reflecting on these early influences, we can gain valuable insights into why we think and act the way we do. This self-awareness can be the first step towards making positive changes and aligning our lives more closely with our deepest values and aspirations.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Re-teaching Play to Improve Social Skills
Sometimes a child's play can go off track. In this instance a child would need to be retaught how to play with another person. This could be due to the parent's play being too overstimulating, erratic and inconsistent, causing over-control, distrust or avoidance. Things like Occupational Therapy and DIRFloor play is beneficial to supporting parents with play.
1
Engage via Collaboration to Restore Connection
When children have shutdown connecting, or there is repeat misattunement, the best approach is to engage via collaborative. Co-operative play is good for this. e.g. Build Lego or Colour together, collaborative board games.
2
Adjust Power Dynamics
Make sure Power-reversal play is not too rough. Use playful loving limits if needed, model pretending to be too scared by the play and stop to act out recomposing yourself, comment how amazing and powerful they are that they are too scary even for Dad/Mum. Keep doing this and the child will begin to be more gentle.
3
Address Over-Controlling Play
If a child is over controlling in play and doesn't share ideas. Use symbolic play.
Tell the child that you will play a game together where the parent make all the rules, explain all the rules and how the game will go so they feel safe and know what will happen in the game.
Once you have played the game ask the child what ideas they would like to add next time you play. Act really excited at their ideas and ask if you can also add an extra idea. Then play the game that way.
On the 3rd time playing the game, model adding an idea in the middle of the game. As this becomes more natural, model adding ideas whilst not breaking character so it becomes a natural part of play within the game.
4
Utilizing all 9 Play Types
Depending on what games your parents played with you as a child. Families might only engage in a few of the 9 types of attachment play types. If a child is strong at all play types, they can engage with all children, have less ruptures on the playground and have stronger social skills.
this is not part of aware parenting
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Community
An African proverb; It takes a village to raise a child
The modern international society has lost the concept of a tribe and how a group supports each other. Individualization is encouraged over collaboration and connection.
Find ways to be part of the community either via the parent/teacher associations, cultural or community groups, disability support groups, special interests/hobbies and religious institutes are places communities can be found.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Useful Sample Phrases
Step 1 - During the emotional release use phrases that describe your own experience, not the childs.
I see that you are having a really hard time.
I can feel how important this is for you.
I hear that this is really hard for you.
Step 2 - Use environmental and collaborative speach
I will stay with you until you are through this.
I will be here with you until you feel safe.
I wonder what we can do to <resolve the issue>
Sometimes children will start to come back into balance and then when you try to move forward get distressed again, using the above concepts can get the child to start crying again, go back to step one and repeat until they go back into balance.
Children do not learn when distressed, save teaching the lesson for later once they are back in balance.
Step 3 - Integration talks.
Use concepts from How to talk to kids so kids listen to have nightly chats or family meetings. This is where you teach any learnings or reflect back on the feelings and body sensations together to help develop meta cognitive awareness and introception.
Avoid labeling emotions as you risk misattunement. If there could be deeper emotions happening, discuss them once the child is back in balance.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Games for common challenges sensitive children might face
Transitions
The pushing game. Have the child try to push you over. Put your arms out straight and palms together. Let the child win, act amazed at their strength, act clumbsy and pretend to fall over. The child will often collapse onto you in a big hug.
Pushing the adult over whilst laughing makes the child feel powerful and the hug at the end is body contact bringing connection.
Itchy Clothes
When itchy clothes presents a challenge use the below games.
Use the pushing game from transitions
Thumb Wars: Face each other and each holds out their left hand or right hand in a "thumbs up", and they link hands such that each player's fingers curl around the other player's fingers. Players may not use any of the fingers except the thumb to pin down their opponent's thumb. Let the child win as a power-over game, pretend your thumb has a silly voice as the child squashes it.
When the child is in good emotional balanced and not getting dressed or needing to put on clothes. Play a game where you get dressed in each others clothes. The adult can joke around that the tiny clothes are so uncomfy and the child can laugh about the giant over size clothes not fitting.
This is not part of aware parenting concepts.
Food Sensitivity
Crazy robot arm
Make sure there is safety and connection first. Let the child know that if they do not like the new food they can have anything they want from the fridge, give them the option to have the food themselves, or play a game where you are a crazy robot arm spoon feeding them. A form of regression play. When feeding them make a mess and have your arm not follow instructions throwing food around and missing their mouth.
When people are activated our taste buds change and appetite reduces. We want food to restore energy and tend to eat sweet carbs. Children will naturally eat the food their body needs and move from carbs to protein to fats to mixed.
The game is not part of aware parenting concepts.
Avoid setting limits on food, let a child lead and provide healthy options that they can choose from.
Sensory stimulation to help create a Balance of Attention
For children that struggle to connect due to extreme dissociation or hyper arousal. Use Co-operative play and have a game running in and out of the waves at the beach.
The parent could be holding the child whilst playfully running in and out of the water.
Note: The sea can be scary and powerful to young children, use a beach with shallow long rolling waves or playing in rock pools searching for crabs and fish can be another fun connecting game. To avoid over stimulation use a beach with a grassy park so sand and wind doesn't become too over stimulating. Playing at the local outdoor pool could be another option.
Water 21C activates the divers reflex and the body's calming function. This can often help bring children out of overload.
This is not part of aware parenting concepts.
Screens
Treat screens as co-operative play. Join them in it.
For younger children, have some body contact play to increase connection first. Pretend to be a car, have the child sit on your lap and have them drive you as you bounce around laughing together.
Then engage in using apps like Reading Egg/Mathletics
When children use them for their own entertainment. Instead of setting limits, join them in their interest and offer to join a game or have the next turn to explore their interest. That creates a natural end where after playing together you can move them on to the next activity.
If screens are being used as a control pattern, use a loving limit instead of a screen.
Restrict all alerts and notifications for gaming and social media apps. Also lower the volume when children are using devices. This limits the gamification/dopamine reward seeking design of Apps.
General Overloaded
If you or your child are overloaded but want to try and engage for connection.
The 4 connecting play types are beneficial. Co-operation play building lego, or doing colour by numbers where you can do a regression style and go back to parallel play, helping each other with a common goal with little brain and emotional input needed.
These activities are great for just re-connecting and having a space to start empathically listening to anything your child brings up. Colour by numbers prevents any self judgement or criticism of the end product.
Note: Most children start to struggle at school after an 8 week term. By weeks 10 & 11 most friend groups are rupturing. This is due to emotional build up. Co-operative play is a great way to start bringing a child out of overload.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Social and Emotional Support
A young girl was showing signs of depression. At school she always plays in a dynamic of 3, she is always being pushed out of the group by a peer with a strong personality. Other times she plays hide and seek with a different group of children.
On Sports Day the girl came 2nd just at the last minute as she was over taken by another girl.
At home have a symbolic race but with a pillow fight included. One parent racing the child whilst having a pillow fight acting out the sports day race. Let the child over power the parent with the pillow at the last minute so she ends up winning, the other parent celebrates with the child for winning. Giving her the win she missed out on at school to help make her feel powerful.
The 3 person play dynamic of being powered over likely reflects a family play dynamic at home where she is a younger sibling. The parents should make time for individual Non Directive Child Centered Play with the daughter each day and continue to have lots of power reversal play to help with any powerless feelings from the peer group at school. To restore connection with the parents if she has suppressed her needs as a younger sibling, separation play would be beneficial too.
Watch for the need to release any built up emotion via loving limits or a broken cookie etc. When the cry comes the child should be supported through the release.
Using the above approach, the parent saw the child's emotions returning back in balance and depression shifting within a week.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Playground Challenges
At recess, a 6 year old girl always pretends to be a dinosaur chasing a group of boys around playing tag, she doesn't play with girls. One day, one boy grabbed and restrained her whist another hit her. In talking with the teacher the boys said they did it as the girl had made their friend feel scared.
When the girl was younger she had experienced a separation trauma making her fearful of new people. When she was in pre-school, she had told her parents that boys play too rough and girls are too confusing. At home she often likes to play dinosaur games with Dad.
Based on these concepts, the girl is trying to connect with peers in a way that makes her feel safe, powerful and in control. Tag is a separation game, wanting to be the chaser and being a dinosaur are a power-reversal within the separation game:
Power reversal and separation play are the types of play needed at home to heal her previous separation trauma.
Playing more Non Directive Child Centered Play, Symbolic Play with specific props or themes and Co-operative play would give the girl more confidence to play with girls.
To teach the girl to be less intense in her dinosaur impression, play can be used. The Father could play a similar game where the daughter is a dinosaur, whilst playing if the daughter acts too fierce the Dad can stop the game by pretending to be too scared. Repeat this each time the child's play gets too aggressive.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Challenging Behavior - Cheating
When Children cheat, they can often just not be playing the same game, if they are older it can be a feeling of powerlessness that they are trying to fill.
Whilst playing the below (non attachment play) competitive game, where you push cubes out and you have to make a row of the same dinosaur, a 6 year old started cheating.
She quickly realized if she didn't need the piece that fell out, she could put it back in the same spot blocking the other persons turn. This turned the game into a deadlock. To address it, the parent turned it into a nonsense game and started pretending the rules must be wrong, reading the booklet trying to work out why they were not winning.
They then pretending its the rule that the youngest goes first as the cause of her winning, so that rule has to change, the adult must go first. They start using her trick to start winning but not acknowledge what they were doing. The child starts to get frustrated with the rule and power reversal, so the parent suggests that they stop playing and try to push each other over and let any frustrations out then come back to the game.
They play a quick game of trying to push each other over with the palms of their hands. As she is pushing the adult, she is laughing that she will beat them and win, "who ever wins this can use the move". Then she stops. "actually, It's ok, you can win" then went back to playing normally.
Instead of shaming and criticizing her for cheating, the parent playfully turned it into a nonsense game, then the power reversal game she wanted. She learnt that we all get frustrated by cheating so it isn't a great idea to play that way with friends but this is a safe space to explore those things.
In the example the child was seeking power over the parent. The dynamic is the same in school. If a child cheats, explore why are they feeling powerless in that class.
Note: The above game could be changed into a co-operative game but changing the rules so that you have to help each other to make rows of the same dinosaur picture without telling each other what dinosaur you are trying to create do on each row.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Separation Trauma & Anxiety
Hide and seek and other separation games like chasing are good for separation trauma and anxiety.
Play hide and seek in 1 room. Then expand to larger locations or multiple rooms as the child's confidence grows. If the child crys, stop hiding and sit with the child to support them through the emotion that has been triggered. When they are ready ask if they would like to continue playing.
If there has been a retraumatization, playing out the trauma again doesn't always work. In those instances, once the trauma has been played out for the original trauma, the secondary trauma has to be processed by talking about it or safe exposure and triggering a crying response until all emotion has been released. This might have to happen over several weeks with lots and lots of tears.
If a child has separation anxiety and is starting school. The parent and child could be invited to meet the teacher before school term starts and have a game of hide and seek in the playground or classroom to help reduce that anxiety.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Animal Breathing Game
There might be times when releasing of emotions isn't appropriate. e.g. on an airplane or class. In those moment a breathing game can help. If doing this, expect the calming to be only temporary and the emotions to come out at a later time.
When children have a nightly space to release emotions, they develop a capacity to balance their emotions through out the day, not having to release them in the moment knowing they have the space at home to release.
To teach the concepts, play this co-operative game when a child is happy. Add elements of power-reversal and non-sense and have the child blow you over or the animal impression being so scary and powerful that you run and hide! When utilizing in moments of distress, ask the child to pick their own animal breath to match their emotion. Lion for angry, Bunny or Bee for hyper and silly, Bear for sad. etc
Developmentally appropriate for 4 years old upwards. This is not part of aware parenting concepts.
Feather Breath
Introducing movement and strength of breath
Hold a feather about 10inches from the face. First explore a gentle breath, then a explore a strong force-full breath, observe how the feather moves differently. Repeat each breath 5 times. This gives the child a visual experience of different breath types.
Pretend to be blown over when the child does forceful breaths.
Bear Breath
Calming and Relaxing - Repeat 3-5 times
Take a tall spine. Close your eyes. Imagine a bear hibernating in a cozy den. Take long deep slow breathes as if it were filling up your whole body.
Repeat 3-5 times
Bufferfish Breath
Calming and centering - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit in a big posture. Extend arms out to the side resting finger tips on the floor. As you breath in keeping your arms straight, stretch your arms up above your head. As you exhale allow your arms to float down like a ballon floating to the ground.
4×4×4×4 box breathing works well for this
Snake Breath
Soothe and relax - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit in a tall posture, with your hands in prayer position. As you inhale raise arms up, in front of your face and above your head, moving hands from side to side like a slithering snake. As you exhale make a "sssssss" sound expelling breath from your mouth as you bring your hands back down.
Bumble Bee Breath
Awake and Relaxed - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit in a tall posture, bring your hands to your shoulders, elbows out like wings. Take a deep breath in. As you exhale make a "bzzzzz" sound with your mouth and flutter your arms as wings.
Bunny Breath
Energize and centre - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit in a tall posture. Hands resting on lap. Take 3 quick breaths in through your nose. One long exhale through your nose.
Lion Breath
Invigorates and wakes us up - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit tall with legs crossed, hands resting on your knees. Take a deep inhale through your nose. As you exhale fold forward bringing your palms to the floor in front of you and pushing your breath out forcefully with mouth open.
Have the child roar loudly during the exhale being a powerful lion. The parent can run an hide, exclaiming that there is a lion in the room!
4×5×7 breathing pattern works well for this.
Sphere Breath
In a school environment, a hoberman sphere can be a visual tool to help children focus on their breath. Children watch the sphere and match their inhalation and exhalation to the expanding and contracting movement.
Move the sphere at different rates, ask children what animal might breath at that rate.
Adapted from The Elephant Path, p229-230
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Four Corners - Kids Who Can't
The first 10 minute segment of Kid's who can't features Frieda case. The next slide provides a suggestion on how it could be handled in an alternative, trauma-informed way, sensitive to a child's natural healing process.
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Copyright Steven Simmons ©
How would these concepts help Frieda & Alice?
Excluding any underlying medical or genetic conditions. Using these concepts, the most effective out come for Freida would be to work on healing her natural stress release function of crying/raging and play to release the built up emotions and separation & school traumas that have occured. In the process repairing her connection with her parent(s) and develop any missing social skills through 9 types of attachment play and laughter.
1
At Home
Alice should have support on learning the concepts of play and loving limits. 
How to use play to heal attachment and loving limits to trigger the healing process for her daughter's crying release. 
Having to work and manage a higher needs child is impossible and that needs support and understanding from society too as she is in an impossible situation juggling both, an hours break to play with Frieda after school would allow Frieda to bring her self back into balance and then have some alone time.
Non Directive Child Centered Play, Separation and Power reversal play and nonsense play of ruptures can help restore the connection between the parent and child.
Cooperative play involving collaboration can also help repair the connection (e.g. Coloring or building lego together).
Separation & Symbolic play with props for helping to process the school and separation trauma in a safe home environment.
Regression play within play types can be used to reteach any missed developmental and social milestones.
Create sensory stimulating games around water to help lower activation and the release of the missing chemicals.
2
At School
If there were signs of separation anxiety before starting school or within the first few days; Engage in a game of hide-and-seek with the parent and teacher before or after school, on the school grounds as well as at home.
In the classroom have a role reversal 'game' where Freida could play as a teacher and the teacher act as a student during her visit to the classroom.
Throughout the school day, create opportunities for collaborative/cooperative play/task work with peers to open up the attachment system with children of similar ages.
Nonsense play by teachers can help reduce fear of rules/authority.
3
Resolving Trauma
After being locked in the classroom, Freida would need games at home with symbolic themes of escaping and regaining her power.
Games with Cushions, pillow forts, and the parent with pillows trying to stop the child from escaping but letting the child overpower the parents and escaping. Power reversal games like 'mean teacher' could be beneficial. Using play dough, make a model of the teacher and smash it while the parent pretends to be the teacher making silly noises as they get squashed. Freida would also need to cry out the emotion via some form of a re-trigger, loving limit, or 'broken cookie.'
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Additional Parenting Resources
Also available in Chinese
Good for teaching playground skills.
Nic Wilson an Awp Instructor has a free Ebook with lots of attachment play games to get people started.
Joss Goulden also has a free ebook that she can email you.
Good for nightly chats.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©