Crying & Sleep

Crying & Raging
1
The purpose of crying & raging?
Demonstrating a need
Pain & Discomfort
Anger & Frustration
Release of Stress and Trauma - The release of stress often happens at the end of a day before bed.
Harvard Health
Is crying good for you? - Harvard Health
Crying is a natural response to a range of emotions, but is it good for your health? Crying is an important safety valve: it acts as a safety valve for our emotions, and emotional tears flush stres...
2
How to Respond?
When children cry its best it make sure they are safe, all needs are meet and there is no underlying medical condition. If everything has been met, sometimes they just need to cry and let emotion out. When this happens a child needs be feel, safe, seen and heard. Held in unconditional love and delight.
Useful responses are “I’m listening,” “It’s okay to cry,” “You’re safe,” “I hear that <repeat their problem>” "I'm here to hear all you have to say about that" or “I will stay with you until you feel better.”
The gas mask myth: If your child's emotions bring up big feelings in yourself, gently cry with your child. Model releasing together whilst your partner supports you vs modeling rejecting/suppressing emotions as you walk away to manage your own emotions. Children are ego-centric so will think it is about themselves.
Do not walk away to put your own gas mask on, as that models rejection of crying and big feelings!
Cry gentle with your child and model when appropriate. The struggle to support a child that might cry for 1+ hour is hard for some parents with higher needs children. 
3
How does crying make you feel?
Crying often brings up our own feelings of childhood and how our cry's were responded to.
Offer self compassion and understanding when limits are challenging.
Sometimes a parent needs a heal their cry. Do not be afraid to cry with your child with a partner supporting.
4
Adjustment Period
When starting to receive a child's cry this way, there can appear to be more crying as all the built up emotion gets released. This can vary on the sensitivity of a child's nervous system. Over time the crying reduces as it gets built into the family rhythm and routine.
5
Control Patterns
are actions that people use to suppress or distract themselves from emotional pain, rather than addressing the underlying feelings. It is encouraged to recognizing these patterns and providing 'loving limits' to help children (and adults) release emotions in healthy ways.
Take a moment to reflect what items are control patterns within your life?
Wine, chocolate & smoking type vices, too much of a positive item can also become a control pattern. Exercise and working out can be common ones that can be over done.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
The Broken Cookie
When a child's emotions reach a boiling point, the smallest trigger can unleash a torrent of tears. A broken cookie, a lost toy - these seemingly trivial incidents become the pretext for a full-blown crying fit.
These outbursts are often the child's way of releasing pent-up feelings of grief, anger, and anxiety. The need to cry has been gradually building up, and now it must be expressed. After the tears flow, the child usually feels a sense of relief and calm. The incident that sparked the crying is no longer an issue, and the child often becomes happy and cooperative again.
Children do need to learn that loud crying is unacceptable in certain situations, just as they must learn to use the toilet. But they also need a safe space - often at home - where they can freely express their emotions without judgment. When children have this kind of accepting environment, they're better able to hold back the tears in public and save them for their trusted "home base". This lays the foundation for healthier emotional regulation down the line.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Difficult Behaviors
When a child is behaving in a way that is difficult for parents or teachers. An understanding of stress, trauma and the child’s ability to release and heal from it through play is essential. Recognizing that crying can be a release for children who all experience powerless, separation and other forms of stress is also important. Children experiencing trauma need time to process and release their emotions in the space of a secure relationship of the people around them.
There is always a 'why' behind the behavior. Always try to look for the reasons then support children to release the emotions.
Below is a map created by Marion Rose PHD a Level 2 instructor for Australia.
Marion Rose PHD 2024
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Loving Limits
Loving limits should be used when children behavior is demonstrating there is a deep need to release built up emotions. Set the limit and hold their response in your love and acceptance and let any big feelings come out, knowing there is a deeper meaning to this release of emotion.
Explore with what words might work for your family. A popular one is "I am not willing for …".
Give explanations and reasons
When setting limits, explain your reasons in a way that your child can understand. This helps them feel respected and fosters a sense of connection.
Look for the underlying need
Behind a child's actions is often an unmet need. Try to understand what your child is trying to communicate and offer support or solutions.
Use a playful approach
Play is a powerful tool for setting limits. It can make limits fun, engaging, and help a child learn in a more enjoyable way.
What if a child hits or kicks?
If a child is hitting, state that you are not willing to be hurt. Gently hold the child so they do not hurt you or themselves. Explain lovingly that you are here to keep them safe.
Playful alternatives
Nonsense play - pretend to look for an off button
When you do not need to set a limit you can use the time to let the child let out frustration. Use power reversal games where a child breaks rules and the parent pretends to be angry.
Expect a cry to come
After playing and feeling connected, when you stop playing and set a limit children will often cry. Plan this in the time you allocate to play to allow the child enough time to naturally reach the end of their tears without either party feeling rushed.
A loving limit is not a boundary or a traditional limit, they are limits for a parents own needs. 
A loving limit encourages a balance of emotion by allowing a space for a child to laugh and release via play, or a gentle limit to evoke the release of a cry when the child is demonstrating signs of accumulated emotions or avoiding emotions with control patterns.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Power & Control
Most discipline problems occur when children feel disconnected, powerless, insecure or frightened” - Attachment Play p10
Traditional Power & Control
Parenting has traditionally been about parents (those with more power) making children (those with less) submit to their will. Fathers often holding power over mothers and children, and mothers holding power over children. This start to shift to a more permissive parenting styles in the 1960's
Permissive/Authoritarian
One might drift towards power-over or power under.
Often stem from how our own parents responded.
Are there too many limits due to your own needs or are there too few loving limits for the child's needs?
Your Own Power & Control
What times do you feel a loss of power and control?
In a day how many rules are there for a child? how much power do they have?
At school, when does a child have power? (not power-over, nor rewards or competition)
Power-With
"power-with," emphasizes connection and collaboration, where both adult and child can make choices and influence outcomes together.
Adults have power through knowledge, experience, size, and strength, and loving limits.
Children hold power through persistence, connection to their authentic selves and healing needs.
Traumatic experiences can leave children feeling powerless and can cause children to resist anything that takes away their feeling of control. Even non-traumatized children often feel powerless due to their immaturity and dependence on others. This sense of powerlessness can cause children to give up on trying to exert control, leaving them unable to make decisions.
Copyright Steven Simmons ©
Useful Sample Phrases
Step 1 - During the emotional release use phrases that describe your own experience, not the childs.
I see that you are having a really hard time.
I can feel how important this is for you.
I hear that this is really hard for you.
Step 2 - Use environmental and collaborative speach
I will stay with you until you are through this.
I will be here with you until you feel safe.
I wonder what we can do to <resolve the issue>
Sometimes children will start to come back into balance and then when you try to move forward get distressed again, using the above concepts can get the child to start crying again, go back to step one and repeat until all the emotion is out and they go back into balance.
Children do not learn when distressed, save teaching the lesson for later once they are back in balance. Nightly chats are great for this for 4+ years old children. The younger the age, the less likely they will link the concepts back to the incident by night time.
Step 3 - Integration talks.
Use concepts from 'How to talk to kids so kids listen' to have nightly chats or family meetings. This is where you teach any learnings or reflect back on the feelings and body sensations together to help develop meta cognitive awareness and introception. Work through deeper emotions and use a feeling wheel to explore with them.
If a child says something negative about themselves, e.g that they have been bad or not good. Correct the statement and have them repeat the positive affirmation of themselves out aloud so they feel it in their body.
Avoid labeling emotions as you risk misattunement. If there could be deeper emotions happening, discuss them once the child is back in balance using things like a feeling wheel. Sometimes, like with neurodiverse children, misattunement can be a wound that needs healing. Only once you understand a repeated trigger should you look to attunement and label the emotion in the moment.
Next Section - Play
Copyright Steven Simmons ©