What is Attachment Repair
Attachment repair is restoring the child's map of relational behaviors and responses via;
  1. Restoring Connection, Trust & Power and Control.
  1. Changing the way one responds to a child's cry
  1. Re-teaching/repairing play types, focusing on collaboration and opening up exploration.
Dr Brown's 3 pillars can be adapted for children:
  • Exploration & Collaboration - Working within a classroom with teachers and peers. Playing the different play types on a playground and with parents or in occupational therapy support, enjoying hobbies & sports.
  • Meta Cognitive Awareness - Developing concentration and awareness of self, thought and introception.
  • Ideal Parent Figure Mentalizations - Use Attachment Play and collaboration, parents get to be the Ideal Parent Figure and repair repeated ruptures.

When changing the way you respond to a child expect the child to get more distress as they try to trigger your old response. It takes 2-3 times for their response in the moment to move to earned secure.
this is not part of aware parenting

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Grab or Emotional Bite
Circle of Security have the concept of Shark Music, the uncomfortable and even fearful feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations that arise when we perceive a threat or challenge in our relationships that is actually safe.
Grab is a similar thing. Someone's actions cause an emotional response from yourself. This could be positive or negative. Interpersonal relationships often fall into the pattern of always trying to 'grab' another persons emotions so they respond to your needs. This forms from the parent child dynamic growing up.
Watch for moments when you engage with children, when do they make your emotions grab. In those moments focus on the child's feelings and not their actions, like the broken cookie concept it is often not the thing they are triggering you about.
Try not to describe how they might be feeling as that can trigger distress from misattunement. Describe your sensory experience. "I see you are having a hard time", "I can feel how important this is to you" etc. Remind them that they are safe and use grounding wording. "I am here with you", "Things are different now, I'll keep you safe" . As they start to come back into balance move to explorative collaborative talk. "I wonder what we could do to xxx".
Reflect for yourself, explore what specific thing made your emotions grab, what does it relate back to? How can you meet that need in yourself, how can your partner help as a restorative relationship? In return how can you help your partner through moments where their emotions grab in relational situations.
Using a symbolic nonsense play game is a good way to repair and manage Emotional Bite. Playing the game when not in a rupture can help build confidence for the rupture that you will act the new way you have both been playing out in the silly game.
e.g The child gets to role play as what they think the parent is like in a rupture when your emotions bite, you get to play them (don't tease though)
At random times, get them to act like you and come up to you telling you off, you act like them, but run up for a hug. They can then act out the resolve they want from you. You then do that in a rupture with the roles switched back. Use play to build trust this way.
this is not part of aware parenting

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Our Own Healing
We should strive to be aware of the ways in which own childhood interferes with our ability to be effective parents and make conscious efforts to avoid passing on our own hurts to children.
1
Empathy/Listening Partners
Finding a person to be a listening partner. Have 30minutes taking turns hearing each others struggles and successes can be incredible healing. It's also good practice for empathic listening with our children.
Alternatively therapists can help process more deeper inner work.
2
Our Own Play
Make sure you lots of adult attachment play in your life!
Non-Directive Play
Take time to engage in hobbies and creative interests that bring you joy and wonder.
Go for walks, journal, read, use meetup.com to find new interest and groups.
Body Contact Play
Intimacy and sports.
Symbolic & Non Sense Play
Having a joke around with loved ones & mates.
Regression Play
Time back with parents eating their home cooked food, regressing to old hobbies like video games.
3
Understand Your Own Control Patterns
Take time to reflect on your own behavior. Are there things you do to avoid feelings? Take moments in the day to check in on your own state and needs. Are there any underlying emotion that is building up and needs to be released?
Are there interests and hobbies you are using to avoid feelings, is there a balance?
4
Family Dynamics
When family relationships are strained, it's important to identify any of our own underlying vulnerabilities or triggers that contributed to ruptures, it is important to always own the repair with a child.
Do you have enough spare internal resources to take on that of people around you when they need support?
The use of family meetings to have a space everyone can feel heard and check in how every one is.
5
Inner Knowledge
How connected are you to your heart and body?
Do you listen to your willingness, power and knowledge?
Take time to stop and listen for your own unmet limits and powerlessness presenting.
6
Core Beliefs
Core beliefs that shape our perspectives and behaviors come from our childhood lessons.
The messages we receive, both implicit and explicit, can have an impact on how we view ourselves and interact with others as adults.
By reflecting on these early influences, we can gain valuable insights into why we think and act the way we do. This self-awareness can be the first step towards making positive changes and aligning our lives more closely with our deepest values and aspirations.

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Restoring Parental Connection & Trust via play
Build Trust with Non-Sense, Power-Reversal & Body Contact Games
Use Non-Sense & Power-Reversal play to build trust and lower any fear in the parent child relationship. Create games that model ruptures with silly playfulness.
1
Non-Sense Play for Ruptures
Act out a rupture with non-sense play but model the old behaviour, then model the new ending with stupidity, this acts as practice for the next rupture. e.g. Pretend to be angry making silly angry noises. Run to each other pretend to shout at each other. Then hug each other then pretend to cry. Then pretend to grab an imaginary pillow and have a fake pillow fight, fall over making it a power-reversal giving the child victory over you as they stand on you, or fall over together ending in body contact. When the rupture happens again in the future go straight to the game so it become laughter.
2
Strict Dad/Mum
Run up to the child and pretend that 'mean Dad' is coming and you need to hid. Hid together and tell the child what the 'mean dad' is upset about or what task needs to be done and agree to quickly do it together. e.g brushing teeth. Put toys away. Use play around any conflict areas or rule enforcement.
3
Angry Dog or Dinosaur (Parental Anger)
Angry Dog, pretend to be an angry dog, chasing the child, the child has an object that hypnotize the dog, making the dog calm. The child can then jump on the dogs back and ride it controlling where to go with the object.
this is not part of aware parenting

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Re-teaching Play to Improve Social Skills
Sometimes a child's play can go off track. In this instance a child would need to be retaught how to play with another person. The back and forth of sharing and adding ideas might need to be re-learnt. This could be due to the parent's play being too overstimulating, erratic and inconsistent, causing over-control, distrust or avoidance. Things like Occupational Therapy and DIRFloor play is beneficial to supporting parents with play.
If children are in overload, or unregulated they struggle to learn. Using visual aids like a mini white board to draw game ideas out and agree the game and rules together at the start can be an effective way to teach play concepts.
1
Engage via Collaboration to Restore Connection
When children have shutdown connecting, or there is repeat misattunement, the best approach is to engage via collaborative. Co-operative play is good for this. e.g. Build Lego or Colour together, collaborative board games.
2
Adjust Power Dynamics
Make sure Power-reversal play is not too rough. Use playful loving limits if needed, model pretending to be too scared by the play and stop to act out recomposing yourself, comment how amazing and powerful they are that they are too scary even for Dad/Mum. Keep doing this and the child will begin to be more gentle.
3
Address Over-Controlling Play
If a child is over controlling in play and doesn't share ideas. Use symbolic play.
  • Tell the child that you will play a game together where the parent make all the rules, explain all the rules and how the game will go so they feel safe and know what will happen in the game.
  • Once you have played the game ask the child what ideas they would like to add next time you play. Act really excited at their ideas. The 3rd time playing ask if you both add an extra idea. Then play the game that way.
  • On the 4th time playing the game, model adding an idea in the middle of the game. As this becomes more natural, model adding ideas whilst not breaking character so it becomes a natural part of play within the game.
4
Utilizing all 9 Play Types
Depending on what games your parents played with you as a child. Families might only engage in a few of the 9 types of attachment play types. If a child is strong at all play types, they can engage with all children, have less ruptures on the playground and have stronger social skills. Parents might need to tag team and focus on the play types they are more effective at.
5
Non-Directive Child Led Play
Make time for this play as it is one of the most important. Giving a child attention for 15-30minutes whilst they lead with what they want to do. Develop their creativity and passions with you delighting over them. If you struggle with play find ways to help yourself. Use wobble stools or large exercise balls to sit on and regulate your nervous system, it also help make you keep attention.
Layer clothes with a tighter long sleeve t-shirt and a short sleeve t-shirt on top, this makes your body feel safe and arms free which help with regulation. Have an item to fiddle with. If you really struggle and zone out, make it a game, the child gets to bring you back into the game by donking you on the head with a teddy. Keep it playful and fun to embrace your own struggle compassionately.
this is not part of aware parenting

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

An Example of Repairing Symbolic Play
Create a game based on the child's special interests where the parent defines all of the rules of the game. For example: dinosaurs.
Explain the scenario and rules of the game:
1) The bed is a safari jeep, Dad/Mum will pretend to drive the jeep around a zoo of different dinosaurs, stopping at each dinosaur to feed them.
2) The child gets to be the different dinosaurs and act out being friendly or fierce whilst the parent tries to feed them.
3) The child can not get into the bed/jeep and has to stay on the floor, if they are a fierce dinosaur they can pretend to try and eat the parents from out of the jeep but not stepping into the jeep. etc.
Play one round of the game. Ask the child what did they like about it and if they have any ideas to add if you play the game again. This starts to restore power and control dynamics in play. Celebrate their suggestions and add theirs ideas into the game as you play it a second time.
Repeat again asking what other ideas the child might have, this time around also make your own suggestions and start to negotiate whilst ideas to add to the game.

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

The Elephant Path
A Child and Adolescent Concentration Training Program that teaches meta-cognitive awareness
The first 1/2 of the book teaches how concentration develops in children. e.g. children can not visualize feelings.
The 2nd 1/2 teaches the following concepts at an age appropriate levels; concentration, mindfulness, self-discovery, and awareness of the inter-connectedness of life via the re-connection of your Mind, Body and Heart.
The concepts have been de-buddistified and adapted for a school environment.
Key Themes
  • Mindfulness and Presence: The importance of being present in the moment and cultivating awareness of one's thoughts and feelings.
  • Compassion and Connection: The value of compassion, both towards oneself and others, and encouraging deeper connections with the world around us.
  • Personal Growth: Overcoming obstacles and embracing change as essential for personal development.
  • Nature and Internal Wisdom: Intertwining nature with internal insights, encouraging children to find wisdom in the natural world and within themselves.
  • Reflection and Introspection: Engaging in self-reflection, helping children understand their motivations and purpose in life, becoming realized leaders.
This can be used for repairing and improving the concentration networks once the emotional release has been healed.

It is worth noting that play like non-directive and symbolic restore concentration without the need for meditation

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

How to do a child ideal parent visualization
Children can't imagine emotions. In asking a 7 year old to imagine feeling love they would see the image of a happy face, not the feeling of love in the body. They need to use an external anchor like a rock, picture. As children have magical thinking. Explaining to a child that crystals have magical powers and can make you feel stuff can be a good way to find something. Let the child browse the shop trying different crystals. A parents scarf or treasured item is another way. Another good way is nature and the golden hour. If your child is spiritual you can use faith/a higher being.
A child that had gone through the a trauma stated that the sunset at golden hour was so pretty that it made her feel "love" and that it made her feel that she was here to help protect nature and to give her the strength to face bad people.
Once you have established a way to feel the desired emotion, utilize it with the child, ask them to bring their thoughts to their hearts and feel the emotion via the object. Then they can imagine an ideal parent figure giving them that emotion. Or as a care giver you can point out that is how much you love them all the time, even at times you might not be able to show it. Start to teach that we are all fallible and to keep learning and trying.
this is not part of aware parenting

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Animal Breathing Game
There might be times when releasing of emotions isn't appropriate. e.g. on an airplane or class. In those moment a breathing game can help. If doing this, expect the calming to be only temporary and the emotions to come out at a later time.
When children have a nightly space to release emotions, they develop a capacity to balance their emotions through out the day, not having to release them in the moment knowing they have the space at home to release.
To teach the concepts, play this co-operative game when a child is happy. Add elements of power-reversal and non-sense and have the child blow you over or the animal impression being so scary and powerful that you run and hide! When utilizing in moments of distress, ask the child to pick their own animal breath to match their emotion. Lion for angry, Bunny or Bee for hyper and silly, Bear for sad. etc
Developmentally appropriate for 4 years old upwards. This is not part of aware parenting concepts.
Feather Breath
Introducing movement and strength of breath
Hold a feather about 10inches from the face. First explore a gentle breath, then a explore a strong force-full breath, observe how the feather moves differently. Repeat each breath 5 times. This gives the child a visual experience of different breath types.
Pretend to be blown over when the child does forceful breaths.
Bear Breath
Calming and Relaxing - Repeat 3-5 times
Take a tall spine. Close your eyes. Imagine a bear hibernating in a cozy den. Take long deep slow breathes as if it were filling up your whole body.
Repeat 3-5 times
Pufferfish Breath
Calming and centering - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit in a big posture. Extend arms out to the side resting finger tips on the floor. As you breath in keeping your arms straight, stretch your arms up above your head. As you exhale allow your arms to float down like a ballon floating to the ground.
4×4×4×4 box breathing works well for this
Snake Breath
Soothe and relax - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit in a tall posture, with your hands in prayer position. As you inhale raise arms up, in front of your face and above your head, moving hands from side to side like a slithering snake. As you exhale make a "sssssss" sound expelling breath from your mouth as you bring your hands back down.
Bumble Bee Breath
Awake and Relaxed - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit in a tall posture, bring your hands to your shoulders, elbows out like wings. Take a deep breath in. As you exhale make a "bzzzzz" sound with your mouth and flutter your arms as wings.
Bunny Breath
Energize and centre - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit in a tall posture. Hands resting on lap. Take 3 quick breaths in through your nose. One long exhale through your nose.
Lion Breath
Invigorates and wakes us up - Repeat 3-5 times
Sit tall with legs crossed, hands resting on your knees. Take a deep inhale through your nose. As you exhale fold forward bringing your palms to the floor in front of you and pushing your breath out forcefully with mouth open.
Have the child roar loudly during the exhale being a powerful lion. The parent can run an hide, exclaiming that there is a lion in the room!
4×5×7 breathing pattern works well for this.
Sphere Breath
In a school environment, a hoberman sphere can be a visual tool to help children focus on their breath. Children watch the sphere and match their inhalation and exhalation to the expanding and contracting movement.
Move the sphere at different rates, ask children what animal might breath at that rate.
Adapted from The Elephant Path, p229-230

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Parts and Inner Family Systems
Jung and Dr. Richard Schwartz's Inner family systems all speak of parts. When one goes though something traumatic, parts of their psych might freeze, protecting emotions hide more complex emotions.
Archetypes:
Archetypes are universal, primordial symbols and patterns in the collective unconscious. These can manifest in dreams, myths, and stories. Some common archetypes include:
  • The Self: Represents the unity of the conscious and unconscious aspects of the personality.
  • The Shadow: The unconscious, repressed, or denied aspects of the self.
  • The Anima/Animus: The inner feminine side of a man (Anima) and the inner masculine side of a woman (Animus).
  • The Persona: The mask or identity we present to the outside world, often shaped by societal expectations.
  • The Hero: Represents the aspect of the psyche that undergoes transformation and growth through challenges.
Parts
In IFS, the psyche is composed of various "parts," which are like subpersonalities or different aspects of the self. These parts can have distinct characteristics, motivations, and roles. They are typically categorized into three main types:
  • Exiles: These parts are often associated with painful, vulnerable emotions, such as fear, shame, or sadness. They are usually pushed into the unconscious or "exiled" because the feelings they carry are too overwhelming or traumatic to face.
  • Managers: These parts are protective and proactive. They try to prevent painful emotions from surfacing by controlling the individual's behavior, environment, or relationships. Managers often use coping strategies like perfectionism, avoidance, or caretaking to keep things in control and avoid triggering the exiles.
  • Firefighters: These parts also act protectively but are typically reactive. When the exiles' pain surfaces (or when the managers are unable to maintain control), the firefighters intervene in an attempt to distract or numb the person from the emotional pain. They may use extreme behaviors like binge eating, substance abuse, or impulsive actions to dampen the intensity of the emotions.
Use cards to help children visually identify their own parts and personality. Note which cards children strongly reject. They can be good shadow work.
Create attachment play games to welcome and engage the different parts a child might have. Symbolic and Nonsense play where the parent acts being a bad part whilst celebrating the bad behavior in a funny way.
For angry protectors, hold and delight in their anger and give them a place to express it, see their powerlessness in the moment and assure them they are safe. Their vulnerable emotions underneath will start to show once they feel safe to express them. Lots of non-sense play to re-enact past ruptures or moments of powerlessness help with to restore safety and trust to release the underlying emotion.

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Animals For Part Work - The Spirit Animal
Astrology is an example of using animals to describe humanistic traits.
To help children connect to their more difficult parts use animals to play and act out things like their shadow parts.
E.g. An 8 year old girl developed a playful nickname pretending to be a rat with her teacher. The girl had been through a trauma and was scared of people like teachers. She would suppress emotions and try to be a perfectionist. Through the character, her cheeky mischievous side would come out via a form of nonsense attachment play between the teacher to process the fear of getting told off and breaking rules in playful ways whilst in character. Due to the play with the teacher, it also became a way to increase confidence with engaging in symbolic play with female peers vs only playing with boys. Other children wanted to join in that it became a playtime group game.
At home she had developed an angry protector. A bull symbolism was used to embrace that part of her as she was a Taurus star sign.
The same can be done for parental mistakes and anger. e.g. An angry dog or bear or dinosaurs.

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Drama Triangle
Learn when you have fallen into a Drama triangle.
Turn the roles into Creator, Coach & Challenger.
Use symbolic play with props to act out this dynamic and teach the child how to be the Creator in the moment. You might notice the child is playing out a similar theme to life stressors or relational dynamics. You can play several characters in the game with teddies/puppets to act out the roles on the triangle.

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Utilize a feeling wheel to identify emotions
There are a number of different feeling wheels available online that can be used to trace secondary emotions back to primary emotions to help with awareness of ones emotional state.
When children are upset they might only be aware of a surface emotion, if you label their emotions whilst trying to provide balance of attention you risk misattunement. Wait until the evening to explore what they felt via a feelings wheel.
Use colors to describe emotional state. Blue for sadness, Red for Anger/over stimulation, Yellow for emotions starting to go out of balance, Green for calm and happy

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Healing Within the Classroom
Healing via the teacher relationship:
Create collaborative passion projects with the teacher and child focusing on the child's strengths. The parent and child can work on the project at home, bringing the results to the teacher for the teacher to delight and celebrate and mentor future development of the skill, to be practiced further at home with the parent. e.g. building something, narrative writing.
Healing peer relationships and fostering friendships:
To encourage friendship building, teachers can pair up children with similar interests for collaborative classroom activities. Children will then often take this relationship onto the playground. e.g. two children work together on a project before break. If they enjoyed working together, they will often ask each other to play together over the break period.
As mentioned above, classroom attachment play can also support children play together.

Copyright Steven Simmons ©

Four Corners - Kids Who Can't
The first 10 minute segment of Kid's who can't features Frieda case. The next slide provides a suggestion on how it could be handled in an alternative, trauma-informed way, sensitive to a child's natural healing process.
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Copyright Steven Simmons ©

How would these concepts help Frieda & Alice?
Excluding any underlying medical or genetic conditions. Using these concepts, the most effective out come for Freida would be to work on healing her natural stress release function of crying/raging and play to release the built up emotions and separation & school traumas that have occured. In the process repairing her connection with her parent(s) and develop any missing social skills through the different play types and laughter.
1
At Home
Alice should have support on learning the concepts of play and loving limits.
How to use play to heal attachment and loving limits to trigger the healing process for her daughter's crying release.
Having to work and manage a higher needs child is impossible and that needs support and understanding from society too as she is in an impossible situation juggling both, an hours break to play with Frieda after school would allow Frieda to bring her self back into balance and then have some alone time.
Non Directive Child Centered Play, Separation and Power reversal play and nonsense play of ruptures can help restore the connection between the parent and child.
Cooperative play involving collaboration can also help repair the connection (e.g. Coloring or building lego together).
Separation & Symbolic play with props for helping to process the school and separation trauma in a safe home environment.
Regression play within play types can be used to reteach any missed developmental and social milestones.
Create sensory stimulating games around water to help lower activation and the release of the missing chemicals.
2
At School
If there were signs of separation anxiety before starting school or within the first few days; Engage in a game of hide-and-seek with the parent and teacher before or after school, on the school grounds as well as at home.
In the classroom have a role reversal 'game' where Freida could play as a teacher and the teacher act as a student during her visit to the classroom.
Throughout the school day, create opportunities for collaborative/cooperative play/task work with peers to open up the attachment system with children of similar ages.
Nonsense play by teachers can help reduce fear of rules/authority.
3
Resolving Trauma
After being locked in the classroom, Freida would need games at home with symbolic themes of escaping and regaining her power.
Games with Cushions, pillow forts, and the parent with pillows trying to stop the child from escaping but letting the child overpower the parents and escaping. Power reversal games like 'mean teacher' could be beneficial. Using play dough, make a model of the teacher and smash it while the parent pretends to be the teacher making silly noises as they get squashed. Freida would also need to cry out the emotion via some form of a re-trigger, loving limit, or 'broken cookie.'
Next Section - Sample Games

Copyright Steven Simmons ©