This exists because I couldn't find what I needed for my daughter. Every bit of advice I received from the professionals didnt help us. At 3 she went through a trauma and was never the same. 2 years of therapy had no effect.

To help her, I did what we do in the cyber industry, I look at why things fail, why some therapies make people worse and worked backwards. That led me to Dr Daniel P Brown's work in attachment healing, that when therapy goes wrong you are left in "disorganisation of the mind", that modern approaches of the 20th century fail to take into account attachment. It made me question, was the regression seen in my daughter a child falling into disorganisation of the mind? That lead me to search for child attachment healing concepts. Dr Aletha Solter's Attachment Play teaches how different play types make up your attachment and our natural stress & trauma relase, yet her play concepts didn't work, my daughters play just looped, she would cry for hours in what people call meltdowns. That lead me to Dr Bruce Perry's work, that there is a sequance to development and a sequence to healing. People heal bottom up not top down like a lot of psych modalities approach things. e.g. CBT, ACT.

I figured out swimming in cold water bring a certain clarity, it takes you through a stress cycle and releases a flood of positive chemicals that are missing in some people. Studies show the insular cortex that controls the salient network which does the switching from the default mode network to the exec network malfunctions in certain mental health and neuro diverse conditions.

So we went to the local outdoor pool and jumped in. When we got home play started working, I learnt to sit with her cry vs trying to soothe or calm her, which was hard, having a child screaming at you in distress and try to stay zen like for two hours is more than most parents need to learn. The saddest part for me is that when that happens, psychologists tell you to walk away, put your own mask on before helping your child. Yet that had taught her when she cries her parents walk away. Children are egocentric they can't see it is not about them. She would do everything to try and trigger me to leave or respond in the old way. I spoke with Dr Solter about it. "Cry, cry with your child, model". With another adult present, I did and it worked. That advice to walk away had done so much harm and was the source of her meltdowns, "when I get distressed my parents disconnect, that makes me more distressed". It creates the impossible dilemma.

I've learnt if you change your response you need to do it three times for it to stick with the child and them to learn the new way. The 4th time things are different. We don't cry alone, we cry together. It was at that point she stop trying to trigger old ways and let her emotions out. You could hear her cry change, from the scream of a meltdown to the whimper of relief. In 6 weeks, 2 years of meltdowns went away and she started leading play, playing the games she needed. All I had to do was be present, read the play type and not over power her play, she would take on the role she needed to heal.

Then the next regression came, social processing changing, play stopped working and started to loop again. 8 weeks of school, you see it in all children rupturing at the end of terms longer than 8 weeks, by week 11 you see it in the teachers too. So we would go swimming by week 7 and the regression never came.

A parent commented in the change in her and asked for help, it was the same for them, we could watch the children's playground play, come up with games based on those play types, tell the parent not to try to soothe or regulate the child and let the cry complete and there would be a shift in 2 weeks if they were neurotypical, 6-8 weeks if they were neurodiverse.

For my own child I started to make games for every trigger that made up her spectrum that had formed after she regressed at 3 years old. Meal time became crazy robot, where I'd use regression play to spoon feed her but have my arm going crazy throwing food around. "Dad whenever there is a new food I want to play this game" I'd make dishes that would trigger her like mixed up food, stews and soups, instead of rejecting she would want to play the game, new meals would be served Asian style in the centre of the table that you can pick and try from. Children will eat what they need to over a week. You can see it in growth spurts she switches to mainly carbs, coming out of a regression more carbs, then protein then mixed. We all have this innate body wisdom that we know what we need, we have often lost connection to it.

For transitions we made up a game where she pushes me over, gets her power back in the moment. For PDA every demand became a game, the night schedule became complete laughter, playing silly games, pillow fights where she would over power me to get out any powerlessness she felt in a day of school, smashing up models of mean teachers or mean kids for who she had ruptured with that week. For her angry protector we used non-sense play. Acted out ruptures again and again when she was happy, we would run up to each other joking pretending to get upset with each, other have fake pillow fights so she could over power me, then hug and pretend to cry in a silly ways. Then when real ruptures came she could trust me to turn to the game we had made, once she could see I could hold her anger, she would let her more vulnerable feelings out. Her anger stopped.

As we up skilled the 10 play types she went from playing with only boys to playing with girls, then get frustrated with the power dynamic of their play and rupturing, previously I had only done 3 play types. If children are playing different play types they rupture or don't have the skills. I taught her the play types and how to read other peoples behaviour as play, what the games meant, to ask herself; did she want to hold onto her power or share and let that person have some power as they were probably struggling in their own way. She learnt to negotiate creating a game and holding power whilst not powering over others or letting other power over her.

We had an amazing teacher(s) at her school, we learnt that my kid was gifted so we did collaborative passion projects with the teacher, writing stories where the teacher would delight in it and give feedback then we would work on them at home. She told the teacher that one of the characters was her. "Winky" it became her nickname, between class work they would start to play little non sense play games together, other girls saw and wanted to join in. As we turned up to school all the kids would be greeting her in their little characters. She used to blank people when they said hello, yet suddenly she would jump into character and play back with them. She opened up. Sometimes the teacher would do structured games on the play ground to scaffold the children.

Connection which is achieved through collaboration lowers sensory activation, once sensory load is lowered pathways open up, she started winning awards and thriving at school. We started to figure out how to move the connection away from the teacher so each year she doesn't dip and use her peer skills, we created collaborative classroom work with peers. If kids enjoy collaborating together they took it to the playground. She found a peer with the same sensory profile as she had and they started to help each other, she built a little group of neurodiverse girl friends, she would start to ask the teacher to pair her up with certain girls.

With her deeper cognitive profile there are times she gets annoyed when power dynamics surface and will go be silly with the boys. She can read what she needs in her body and has all the skills to help herself. If life throws a rough patch, go play in cold water for the extra release. We are now working on figuring out supporting a sense of self so its not on achievements. Which is a challenge.

Whilst all this was happening we made a time before bed where she could cry/play and let out all of the daily stress, she had capacity to get through the next day, once the physiological sigh returned to her cry, regressions stopped, swimming was needed less. Now we only see a regression when life throws bigger stressors once a year. A change of year and new teacher and peers means connection needs to be restored with new people at the start of the term, lots of collaboration.

When you feel the emotion in your body and your body naturally goes into its calming response via the double breath, whimper and shiver you learn that big feelings are safe, if you try to resist or stop them it just makes them worse as you never get to learn that release happens. We all have a load until we start to struggle and processing changes, develop gets impacts, concentration gets impacted and that can happen at any age as we are constantly remapping. Between birth and teens its Body, Attachment, Sense of Self, Power and Control, Becoming. At Puberty the body changes again, you test attachment further, you find a deeper sense of self, then in the late 20s-30s it happens again, looping through life.

I've spent two years trying to spread awareness; research centres, universities, governing bodies and I only ever had one response. "Go write a book like Piaget, no one will every reply to you due to funds." You are a person outside the guild pointing out they got it wrong.

In the cyber industry when there is a flaw, we find a solution, spread awareness and the industry jumps to protect computers in 48 hours. Yet the industry that is there to protect the most vulnerable of our society doesn't do anything. Institutes don't really listen to normal people. They need RCTs yet we all do this, you can see it in each other when you can read play. You can watch your child play out stress and trauma. You can laugh through struggles. You can watch your partner or any loved one do it.

I'm slowly documenting everything I have learnt below for parents. I sat with my daughter and created the content here for schools, going through the different play types and how disruptive behaviors in the classroom can be read as the relational need, documenting what she would want teachers to say as a struggling child. None of it is fully finished and its a work in progress, experts could probably do better.

There is one warning, if you scar play and make play stressful/traumatic you break childrens release and stress goes into the mind, with dissociation or states of mind with further disorganization like psychosis.

90% of development happens in the first 4-5 years of life. At different ages, key pathways develop.

Development Happens in Parallel and Through Key Windows

The brain operates through interconnected networks. Each network supports different functions, but no network works alone.

Posner and Petersen distinguish three interacting attention systems.

Play combines sensory information, movement, attention, emotion, relationship, memory and decision-making. Different forms of play draw on different parts of the brain while the networks continue working together.

The divers reflex is a physiological response to cold water submersion, involving the vagus nerve slowing the heart rate and redirecting blood flow. This reflex helps conserve oxygen and maintain blood pressure, a survival mechanism observed in many mammals.

The vagus nerve also plays a role in the fight/flight/freeze response, and its activation via cold therapy can bring someone out of a traumatized state. The resulting release of chemicals like dopamine and endorphins release acts as a natural antidepressant. A short healing window occurs as it appears to put ones brain waves into the healing part. If you have never got through this release with someone, you need to hold a connection through it. Go into that little shock together and come out of it together.

Ice is not needed: Adults only need 21C and babies have a more sensitive reflex. Whilst the divers reflex is activated by the face, shivering is more important for stress release, its more about putting your body into temperature regulation mode vs stress/trauma mode. The face does not have to go in water, running in and out of the sea, playing in an outdoor paddling pool are all adequate for children.

Activating the shiver, creates a window of healing to allow healing of this natural release, before emotional overload returns. Over time as a child's starts to release more emotion, it will start to take longer and longer before overload returns. A school term longer than 8 weeks often puts most children into an overloaded state and ruptures with peers start.

This article covers the different chemicals from the stress of cold from full body immersion vs the face and triggering the divers reflex response.

Identified by Elaine Aron, 15-20% of the population are thought to fit this profile. Similar to the Dandelion and Orchid by W. Thomas Boyce; Some children need supportive, nurturing environment to thrive.

Key traits include:

Sensitivity isn't the same for everyone, some people can be extremely 'hyper' sensitive. Nervous system inflammation can impact sensitivity too, deep muscles/fascia will tense over the nerves making them more sensitive. Profiles can fluctuate.

Dr Aletha Solter has strong views on the word regulation and there is mixed advice within the psych industry. In teaching my child to "bring their emotions back in to balance" I've learnt:

We all have an Emotional Cup.

If you try to sooth and emotion it will just come out later on via another trigger. If you keep soothing this will build up and up and up. Tantrum and more explosive emotions will start to happen.

In school children you can see in terms longer than 8 weeks, by weeks 9-11 children and friend groups start rupting as their social processing reduces. This can often be seen in regressive autism. Children regressing and losing skills as stress builds up. Having a higher sensory profile means more is stress to their minds and bodies and they are more impacted by our natural stress release being disrupted.

When overload reaches a certain point our natural release of play stops working.

Eventually you burn out. Neurodiverse adults often burn out every 3-4 years.

When childrens emotions have built up and our emotional cups are full, the smallest trigger can unleash a torrent of tears. A broken cookie, a lost toy - these seemingly trivial incidents become the pretext for a full-blown crying fit.

Loving limits should be used when childrens behavior is demonstrating there is a deep need to release built up emotions. Set the limit and hold their response in your love and acceptance and let any big feelings come out, knowing there is a deeper meaning to this release of emotion.

Explore with what words might work for your family. A popular one is "I am not willing for …".

Children have a natural cycle that evolves from baby to adult.

As we grow into adults the release just evolves. Play become work, the nightly cry becomes a chat to release the stressors of the day.

This could be used as a nightly routine or a single game could be used to address one problematic area like brushing teeth and good for PDA profiles.

Crying and Play go together to make up our bodies natural stress and trauma release.

If your child has faced a significant trauma, please work with a play therapist. Children will naturally play out their trauma with their parent. This section teaches a parent so they can see that it is happening, it does not replace professional support that might be needed.

The same function of play, laughter and crying is also how the body releases minor stressors and major traumas.

Stress and trauma can interfere with the learning process by causing confusion, anxiety, grief, anger, and difficulty concentrating.

Children will heal from trauma naturally if they;

Trauma is anything that causes physical or emotional pain or that threatens a child’s well being. Traumas can be minor events, such as the loss of a toy or a bee sting, or major life-changing events such as the death of a parent or a terrorist attack, traumas are shocks to a child's sensory input.

Anything that the a child interprets as threatening can be traumatic, even when it does not pose a real danger. Trauma impacts children differently to adults.

Children need both safety and connection to process and heal from trauma effectively.

Feeling safe and connected during a frightening event can prevent both hyperarousal and dissociation as well as the development of post-traumatic symptoms.

Studies have show neurotypical and neurodivergent people play differently, with the below themes identified in neurodivergent children.

If play is how we all release our stress and trauma together yet different neuro-types play differently together, how do we better understand that and support each other through play?

Understanding Neurodiverse Social Play Between Autistic and Non-Autistic Children | Proceedings of the 2024 CHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems

Neuro Diverse children can freeze developmentally around parallel play, when they do start to collaborate they hold onto power and want everyone equal. Neuro typical play falls into a power structure often led by the strongest or smartest. That power structure mirrors society powering over children and can also be unhealthy. That dynamic can be found in all communities, workplaces etc.

When children do Occupational Therapy they will play with rice, shaving foam, run around a room, swing, climb in and out of stretchies, rolling around etc. It is a form of Non Directive Child Led Play, Collaborative and Body Contact. All play can be sensory integrating, so it is an important awareness for children that might need support with sensory integration.

None of the nine play types disappear - they transform. Each one has a healthy adult form, and a pathology of absence when lost.

Relational (Attachment) repair is restoring the child's map of relational behaviors and responses via;

Dr Brown's 3 pillars can be adapted for children:

We should strive to be aware of the ways in which own childhood interferes with our ability to be effective parents and make conscious efforts to avoid passing on our own hurts to children.

If children are in overload, or unregulated they struggle to learn. Using visual aids like a mini white board to draw game ideas out and agree the game and rules together at the start can be an effective way to teach play concepts.

Create a game based on the child's special interests where the parent defines all the rules. This gradually restores power, control, and co-creation dynamics through play. Example theme: Dinosaurs.

Skipping layers is the most common reason repairs feel hollow even when the words sound right.

When a parent repairs with a child, the child learns something that will shape every relationship they ever have: adults make mistakes, adults acknowledge them, and connection survives. Children whose parents actively repaired showed significantly more secure attachment outcomes than those whose parents simply tried to avoid rupture. (Brown & Elliott)

Animals give children a safe, playful way to connect with difficult inner parts. Just as astrology uses animals to describe human traits, we can use animal characters in play to help children act out, process, and integrate emotions they cannot yet name.

There might be times when releasing of emotions isn't appropriate. e.g. on an airplane or class. In those moment a breathing game can help. If doing this, expect the calming to be only temporary and the emotions to come out at a later time.

To teach the concepts, play this co-operative game when a child is happy. Add elements of power-reversal and non-sense and have the child blow you over or the animal impression being so scary and powerful that you run and hide! When utilizing in moments of distress, ask the child to pick their own animal breath to match their emotion. Lion for angry, Bunny or Bee for hyper and silly, Bear for sad. etc

The best breath is two deep inhales followed by 1 long exhale to simulate the physiological sigh. If a child is anxious for a performance then use skills. It shouldnt be used to stop tantrums or meltdowns or general distress.

Developmentally appropriate for 4 years old upwards.

It's important to be able to feel the felt experience, not just intellectually knowing these things about yourself.

3rd wave psych modalities draw from Buddhism and mindfulness. Dr Brown's IPF visualizations are adapted from Guru Yoga, cold water immersion is like a traditional sea baptism, all religions have water practices. Christians have Jesus prayer for concentration and Buddhism has the Elephant Path practice. Every religions ritual holds meaning of tools for the nervous systems, every psalm is a symbolic game you could play, one for every emotion if you didn't know what to play. Do silly yoga moves as body games are another option, find what is in your religion and faith or science. Rituals themselves being play. It happens in an order, body, connection and community, refuge, identity, rupture and repair, concentration, higher levels, transmission, death & grief and sound, conduct and integration of states vary between them all.

If you look at the very simple early approach.